The following is completely unrelated to and independent of my current relationship situation, and has very little to do with any individual(s) I am currently involved with. It's just my outlook....
Why is it so hard to find someone who is a suitably equal contender??? Why is it so difficult, in this day and age, to come across someone who is on the same level as me mentally, intellectually, and emotionally?? I feel like this entire lifestyle is full of confused nymphos who don't know how to love themselves, let alone how to deal with someone else.
Maybe it's my fault for coming from such a loving, nurturing, emotionally developed background. Maybe my mother is to blame for allowing me to observe (through her own love life) great examples of how and how not to love someone, of what and what not to put up with, of when and when not to act and react. Maybe the freedom I was extended and the lack of a sheltered environment is to blame, for exposing me to so many different elements of life at such an early age. Maybe my own stubbornness, independent nature, and zeal for knowledge through experience are the culprit
Whatever the case, it frustrates me to no end sometimes to see and encounter how the minds of some of these "men" work. It's really disheartening to continue to try over and over, to continue to give so much of yourself time after time, to fully expose yourself and to put everything on the table, only to realize that it was all for naught. And it leaves you wondering: What is it about me that continues to draw in these people who clearly AREN'T right for me???
I've never been one to sit around and play the guilt game, but I'm really at a point where I'm realizing what the true common denominator is, and I'm beginning to truly analyze my current state of being for what it truly is. It's not that I'm placing myself upon a pedestal that is in such contrast with the reality of the situation, nor is it that I'm consciously seeking out these types of underdeveloped and insecure individuals... but it all boils down to the fact that I haven't been proactive enough in making sure the types of people that I allow into my life measure up to the expectations that I have for a partner. I have been involved with VERY FEW individuals (I can count two off the top of my head) who I felt to be on the same plane mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. I'm not willing to help anyone grow into that place, as I am still a work in progress myself.... it wouldn't make sense to expend time and energy helping you get to a level that I soon hope to surpass myself. It sounds selfish, but I feel like I've already spent so much of my life wasting time and settling for others who haven't been on my radar, and I'm both ready to find and deserving of finding someone who's either on the same playing field as I, or is at least willing to extend themselves to help me make it to theirs.
I've always been a rather ambitious lad, with lofty goals and even loftier expectations out of life and those around me..... and most people lived up to those expectations--until I submerged myself in the quest toward finding and achieving this silly and foreign thing that we in the gay scene call "love." Woe is me. I know he's out there, now if only he'll stop hiding....
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