It amazes me how someone can be present in your life, every single day, even if only for short periods at a time, and still be more of a stranger to you than others that you only encounter sporadically. My father has made a number of bad choices in his life. Some might choose to call them stupid choices, or "fucked up," even. I have very few good or pleasant memories of him, and the ones that I do have are largely overshadowed by my strong resentment and hate (yes, I did say hate) toward him.
He was in and out of jail for most of the early part of my life, probably from the age of 2 to about the age of 4 or 5. For what, I'm still not sure. I think I'm pretty safe in saying it was nothing hardcore or "serious" in the eyes of criminal society, probably fraud or embezzlement, or some other white collar crime. After the age of 5, both he and my mother separated, and I began seeing even less of him. The early memories I do have of him from when he was around mostly consist of him and my mother arguing, usually over something to do with me, money, or his infidelities. He missed most of my major childhood milestones.... learning how to ride a bike with no training wheels, my first baseball homerun, most of my major academic achievements and awards. But I am glad that I’ve had some great stand-in father figures in my life to be there to guide me and help fill the void when I was younger. He made another trip back to jail around the age of 8, where he stayed until about the age of 12. When he got out, my mother fell into her own small cycle of stupid decisions, in her decision that both she and he should try to reconcile their differences and save their marriage. Needless to say, that was a period of hell in my household; having to deal with the typical issues faced by an child transitioning into the teenage years, then adding into the mix the sudden implantation of the man who calls himself my father, but has never been around. I had to suffer through his presence in my life until the 8th grade, when my mother finally snapped back into reality and realized he was still the same unfaithful man he had always been (with much of the help of her observant and wise-beyond-his-years 13 year old son). Their divorce was finalized in 2001.
I can say that he's never really been abusive toward me or my mother; that within itself is a blessing. But a provider, a friend, a role model, a head of the household, a pillar of strength...he has NEVER, EVER been. I've always looked at him as that man who popped up out of the blue, that I didn't want in my house, who didn't understand me, and was quick to assume this huge "dictatorial" role in an attempt to compensate for his own guilt and insecurities about his past and his absence. I've never really communicated openly with this man about anything. Aside from a few dollars here and there, he's never really been there for me in any way, shape, or form.
One thing that I really don't understand about him is how he tries to pretend as if his life has always been perfect. I am curious to know how he, as an ex-con, managed to bounce back almost immediately and land an IT management position paying over $85K. I’m sure it has something to do with cunning manipulation on his part, as his past is strewn with an array of questions and obscurities (you left home @ the age of 16, never graduated HS, entered the service, then attended and graduated from the University of Miami, only to find yourself in Atlanta working as a manager for Popeyes and Burger King simultaneously.... and all of this happened by the age of 23?? I don’t see it.) I vividly remember finding shoeboxes of fake IDs, social security cards, and birth certificates when I was younger (because I was a nosy ass child, and learned the art of snooping from my mother, who is also a professional at it). I’m almost convinced that he has other children that he’s never mentioned. He never acknowledges the fact that he's done time, even around family. He always tries to paint the picture that his marriage to my mother ended by no fault of his own. The thing that REALLY pisses me off is how he always tries to make it seem as though he was the MODEL provider for his child, even after the divorce. He's quick to brag about the fact that he paid X amount per month in child support to a woman who was more than capable of taking care of me on her own (as she did for so many years when his trifling ass was locked up); when in fact, my mother allowed him to pay only a FRACTION of the support order simply out of sympathy. His favorite pastime is badmouthing her to any and everyone who'll listen, which angers me mainly because SHE was the one who played both mommy and daddy while he was on lockdown.
Sadly, the tables have turned for him. His conniving and womanizing has caught up with him and caused him to lose his comfortable almost-six-figure job, over some stupid female drama tied into more unethical activity on his part. Now he’s broke, and as horrible and selfish as it sounds, there’s no point or purpose in even trying to maintain the guise of a semi-functional relationship between the two of us, since the money is no longer in the picture. Before, I probably saw him maybe once or twice a month to come and pick up a few hundred in cash and go out to lunch or something. Now, 4-5 month intervals pass between us seeing one another. And to make it so bad, he literally lives a few miles away from my mother, and I see her at least once a week. I got him a Christmas gift this past year (a DVD boxed set)..... my gift was a “Merry Christmas” text (that was clearly a mass text). Now that the crutch he used for so many years to make himself FEEL like he was being an acceptable father is GONE, he doesn’t know what to do. He can barely look me in my eyes sometimes.
One thing I CAN say that I've learned from him is how to be a good man and a good father. From relationships, handling finances, and parenthood, walking the exact opposite path from that which he's shown me should make me a far better individual, I'm sure.
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