So many of us are quick to ignore our pasts, completely refusing to acknowledge the set of actions and experiences that have helped to bring us to where we are today. A lot times, we’re forced into a face-to-face situation with this same past that we’ve fought so hard to look past and do away with, and these moments are most painful because they require reexamining and reevaluating those same hurtful, damaging, fruitless events and occurrences all over again.
Looking back on my past, I couldn’t dare fix my mouth to lie and say that I’m proud of everything I’ve done. There are many things, MAJOR things, that I regret..... some that I had no control over, and others that I willfully chose to do. These “face to face” moments that we experience, while painful, offer clarity and resolve to a lot of the questions we toil over, if approached correctly.
I wrote a piece almost a year ago where I sat down and examined a lot of the elements of my past and how they’ve played a role in contributing to a lot of my present-day character traits, insecurities, and hang-ups. Without revisiting that, I was able to conclude that a lot of the things holding me back were of my own doing. A lot of the things I beat myself up about, a lot of the things that I found to be so undesirable, a lot of the things that I so greatly wished I could rise above, were all things that I was actively encouraging, nurturing, and holding on to. It’s been a long and arduous process trying to free myself, but it’s both necessary and beneficial for myself, my life, and the individuals that I encounter on a daily basis.
Still, there is one monster in the closet, one major decision, that I hadn’t been able to free myself of for a long while..... mainly because I felt that no matter what I did or how I felt, no matter what resolution I made internally, no matter what position of indifference or acceptance I assumed, it would still ALWAYS be there to haunt me, forever remaining as an injuriously judgmental scarlet letter emblazoned upon my past. It was one of those things that you’re SUPPOSED to be ashamed of.... one of those things that is grossly unjustifiable and morally reckless.... one of those things that never goes away. It was at a point in my life where I found myself in a place in which I didn’t respect myself or the people who could ultimately be affected by my actions and decisions.
As I fought for so long to attempt to remedy this internal plight, I finally received in the past couple of months what I believe to be the delivery of a miraculous and eradicating cleansing. Along with it came a mindset of peace and casual nonchalance. What’s done is done, and while I felt that there was no changing what is and shall remain unchangeable, I was proven wrong in this belief. So why should I allow this thing, this choice, to maintain such a vicious and draining hold on my happiness and well-being??
As I continue to grow as a person, I see how I’ve been hurting and hindering myself by continuously retreating under the umbrella of the shame of my past. Each day I move closer to living a freer life, free from the effects of external judgment, as well as that sourced from within my own self.
Looking back on my past, I couldn’t dare fix my mouth to lie and say that I’m proud of everything I’ve done. There are many things, MAJOR things, that I regret..... some that I had no control over, and others that I willfully chose to do. These “face to face” moments that we experience, while painful, offer clarity and resolve to a lot of the questions we toil over, if approached correctly.
I wrote a piece almost a year ago where I sat down and examined a lot of the elements of my past and how they’ve played a role in contributing to a lot of my present-day character traits, insecurities, and hang-ups. Without revisiting that, I was able to conclude that a lot of the things holding me back were of my own doing. A lot of the things I beat myself up about, a lot of the things that I found to be so undesirable, a lot of the things that I so greatly wished I could rise above, were all things that I was actively encouraging, nurturing, and holding on to. It’s been a long and arduous process trying to free myself, but it’s both necessary and beneficial for myself, my life, and the individuals that I encounter on a daily basis.
Still, there is one monster in the closet, one major decision, that I hadn’t been able to free myself of for a long while..... mainly because I felt that no matter what I did or how I felt, no matter what resolution I made internally, no matter what position of indifference or acceptance I assumed, it would still ALWAYS be there to haunt me, forever remaining as an injuriously judgmental scarlet letter emblazoned upon my past. It was one of those things that you’re SUPPOSED to be ashamed of.... one of those things that is grossly unjustifiable and morally reckless.... one of those things that never goes away. It was at a point in my life where I found myself in a place in which I didn’t respect myself or the people who could ultimately be affected by my actions and decisions.
As I fought for so long to attempt to remedy this internal plight, I finally received in the past couple of months what I believe to be the delivery of a miraculous and eradicating cleansing. Along with it came a mindset of peace and casual nonchalance. What’s done is done, and while I felt that there was no changing what is and shall remain unchangeable, I was proven wrong in this belief. So why should I allow this thing, this choice, to maintain such a vicious and draining hold on my happiness and well-being??
As I continue to grow as a person, I see how I’ve been hurting and hindering myself by continuously retreating under the umbrella of the shame of my past. Each day I move closer to living a freer life, free from the effects of external judgment, as well as that sourced from within my own self.
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